Dating after divorce for single Latter-day Saints.
Divorce is e a tiring and emotionally draining event in the life of a person, especially for a Latter-day Saint that was married for eternity in the temple. Watching what seemed at some point in your life, the best decision you ever made and the best thing that ever happened to you, go down the drain is excruciatingly painful and depressing. Getting into the dating scene after a divorce, especially a messy one, is one tough decision an LDS divorcee has to make. As an LDS divorcee you are left unsure of yourself and heart-broken trying to fix your broken shards. You no longer trust your decisions, as you have (in retrospect) already made a terrible one. Healing could take a while and during this period of healing,a lot of love are usually required.
Dating is often difficult for divorced LDS singles.
Getting back into the dating game is often difficult for LDSsingles, sometimes because of your terrible experiences in marriage which you wouldn't want a repeat of or because of the uncertainty and lack of trust that comes from a divorce. Interestingly, going through a divorce, even a messy one is not the end of the world, neither does it portray you as weak or unstable rather it shows you as a strong one who was able to discern what was not working for him or her and did the right and brave thing by stepping out of it.
Do not rush.
Firstly and most importantly, it is necessary that you heal. You need to go through a soul-searching quest to provide answers to some salient questions like; why did your previous relationship turn out sour? What led to this divorce? Was it because of your crazy partner or a character flaw on your part? Or was it never meant to be? After you have answered these questions, then you have to ask yourself what you want your next relationship to be like? What you expect from your next relationship is something you have to settle on, before dating other LDSsingles. Rushing head-on into a new relationship immediately after a divorce without asking yourself some probing questions could lead to another heartache. Because of the low self-esteem developed by some LDS divorcees after a terrible split, they enter into another relationship feeling less valuable and thereby settling for less, which you should not. As Latter-day Saints, the scriptures say we have been beautifully and wonderfully made (Psalm 139:14), so why feel less of yourself? You should step into that new relationship as one that has been specially fashioned, as the covenant keeper that you are! Going through a divorce does not make you less desirable in the eyes of the Lord, it does not make you unworthy of His love neither does it make you an object of pity, emanating sighs and charity glances from people. You went through a bad phase of your life and you, with the Lord’s help, came out stronger!
What should you do while sifting through and searching for the right partner? Strengthen yourself! Examine your previous relationship and check out what brought it to an unsavory end. Definitely it started out all lovey-dovey and then it went downhill. It did not just happen suddenly, what did you do and what did you not do with your partner? Was it some recurrent flaw? Was it the little things that mattered but you never felt they did? Or was it pride and this things un-communicated that created a little distance between you two at first, and later grew into a mighty chasm unable to be breached? These are things that need examination and correction to avoid a re-occurrence.
Do not settle for Less.
Next off, after you have examined yourself and discovered what you want, settle for that only, not anything less. You want stability in your next partner, then go for it, you want an eternal marriage? Then that should be what you settle for, never because of your insecurities or your friends settle for what the Spirit tells you isn't good for you. Nobody knows you better than you do, so above every other advice, listen to yourself, what the Spirit tells you is right. As Latter-day Saints we have the spirit of discernment, just because you went through a divorce does not mean that that spirit is inactive, sometimes people use their agency, the wrong way and things beyond our control just happen.
When you eventually get that person that the spirit tells you is for you, remember to stay positive, you should not begin to judge your partner retrospect to your previous relationship. Everyone is entitled to his or her own place in the lives of their partners and should be given new sheets to fill up and not the same sheet used by the previous partner. Just because your previous partner was a lying and unfaithful partner doesn't mean that all men or women are that way, you just happened to have fallen into the nest of one. A partner's failure should not be the scale on which other LDSsingles should be judged. A chance should be given to all LDS singles before they are judged unsuitable. Never judge other LDSsingles for another's actions, you might end up missing out on a promising relationship due to that.
Another important but difficult thing necessary when venturing into the dating world is being yourself. Why do I say difficult? Sometimes as a result of feelings we have for someone, we begin to align ourselves to every whim of theirs. We begin to do things which we normally neither like nor do. Sometimes leaving our own dreams and passions to pursue theirs. This is very wrong, despite the fact that we are supposed to be accommodating and supportive of our partner's dreams, it doesn't mean we should leave ours in pursuit of theirs.
While being accommodating and supportive, also be yourself, if he loves volleyball, then volleyball does not automatically become your favorite sport. If he has a character trait for which you would normally voice your nonacceptance, then do so. You should be clear on your likes and dislikes, state them without being entirely rigid. You are only allowed to change for the better while being yourself and not change your whole life entirely to fit a person's description of the perfect partner, you are more than enough for the right person.
It could take a while, but that right single Latter-Day Saint is out there waiting for you.
The scriptures say; ‘I know the thoughts I have towards you, thoughts of good and not of evil, to give you an expected end (Jeremiah 29:11). This is the plan of God for his sons and daughters, for you to enjoy this land of the living, even in your relationships. Since you have been acquintated with this, why settle for little, when you can have more? Why settle for a partner who is oblivious to your worth? Why rush into or continue a relationship that falls short of your expectations for yourself? Why not sit out and savor this period of waiting? The right partner will the Lord willing come along and hopefully lead to a better and eternal marriage, you don't want to go through a divorce, especially a messy one, over and over again. Peace and love is the reason for every relationship, so why hop into one devoid of them?
Finally, in all these things you are more than conquerors through Christ that strengthens you. What does this mean? It means that as Latter-day Saint of our Lord and savior, He has given us the power and will to overcome everything that we are unhappy about.(D&C 76:69) He has given you the ability to conquer that hurt and he has set you free from that gnawing pain, and if he sets you free, you are free indeed and whole. Therefore step into that new relationship with assurance and self-confidence because you are no longer that pained and hurting soul, you are new and free, and ready to explore that new freedom with the right person. You are no longer unsure of yourself but rather you trust in your ability to know what is right and perfect for you because you have been healed and made whole, you are no longer controlled by that unhappy divorce that was a terrible phase of your life but rather you have made lemonade out of lemons and have become better and stronger as a result. Live in this new understanding LDSsingles.
- Sep 18, 2019
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